Thursday, July 9, 2015

Perfect Mommy Moments

The nursery door creaks open, slightly. The big yellow cat we call Crookshanks creeps in with a soft, kitten-like mew. He sniffs a bit, and walks toward the window. He glances at the rocking chair, where I am nursing Hudson. Crookshanks noses the curtains aside to create a patch of warm summer afternoon sunlight. He curls his tail around his body and lays in the sun, purring loudly in his sleep. 

Hudson is lying across my lap atop a pillow. His hands are clasped together on his chest, and he is drowsily nursing. I close my hand over both of his, and I smile. I am bursting with joy. This is a perfect mommy moment. This is what I expected when I was expecting. 

In truth, moments like this are few. Our typical nursing sessions happen in my queen size bed, and neither cat is anywhere in sight because Hudson has been fussing so much prior to his feeding. Or, sometimes, our smaller cat is crawling all over Hudson and me, whining for the Papa who won't be home for several days. And then there is the spit up. Hudson has reflux, so he often spits up a lot after his feedings. Sometimes it's to the point where I make a bottle of formula immediately after a feeding because I just can't imagine there's any supply of mother's milk left for him. 

But in their own way, these are also perfect mommy moments. Hudson eventually drifts off to sleep in my arms. Minerva eventually curls up beside me to sleep for the night. The tough moments will pass soon, and with them, all too soon, this year of infancy. 


Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Another big change

Yesterday was a bittersweet day for me. I turned in my resignation at work. I'm officially a stay at home mom now. 

From the moment I saw two lines on the test stick, I knew I would probably need to do this. My salary barely covered what I would spend on day care. I am not exaggerating - I would have cleared under $300 a month. Once I factored in the cost of transportation and new apparel for work, it just didn't make sense to continue working.

It was still a tough decision to make. I loved the school. I had an amazing administration and the most family-like staff I've ever experienced. It was so hard to say goodbye to that. 

Of course, I will miss the students too. I worked with some students who have very good hearts but need other people to help them see it in themselves. I cherish being a part of that process. I saw extraordinary growth in several boys this past year. It was the first time in my career that I've really felt that I can make a difference. I suppose in some ways that makes me feel more at peace with staying home. I know that my work this past year really had meaning. 

But now I get to embark on my most meaningful career ever, and I'll have the most adorable little "boss" in the world. Teaching was nice, but being a mom will be so much better!

Currently: July 2015

Drinking: Diet Dr. Pepper and coconut milk, plus lots of water

Eating: grilled everything. We purchased our grill a week after the positive pregnancy test, and we quickly realized smoke smells were some that made me nauseated. We finally have it together enough to cook real meals again.

Wearing: nursing tanks and yoga pants - the stay at home mom uniform!

Wanting: Hudson to start taking naps during the day!

Loving: sweet baby smiles and cuddles 

Needing: to buy groceries!

Thinking: about new clothes. Nothing fits, so I'm thinking about a fall capsule wardrobe. 

Reading: Revelation in my daily reading plan app. 


Sunday, July 5, 2015

Excerpt from Savor


I'm currently reading a seven day devotional excerpted from the book Savor by Shauna Niequist. Today's reading really touched me:

"There are things that happen to us that give us two options. Either way, we will never be the same, and we shouldn’t. These things can either strip us down to the bone and allow us to become strong and honest, or they can be the reasons we use to behave poorly indefinitely, the justification for all manner of broken relationships and broken ideals. It could be the thing that allows everything else to turn, the lock of our lives to finally spring open and allow our pent-up selves to blossom. Or it can be the reason we use to justify our anger and the sharp tones in our voices for the rest of our lives. We become who we are in these moments. I have a friend who falls back, whenever things are too hard, to an event that happened over a decade ago. It’s the thing that she uses to justify cruel behavior. But wouldn’t it be great, wouldn’t it be just like God, if that terrible thing could be the thing that lifts her up and delivers her to her best, truest self? It can. It happens all the time."

Never let your circumstances be an excuse - make them an inspiration to do better! 

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Happy Independence Day!


Happy Independence Day! This was my favorite holiday as a child (not counting Christmas, because we all know that's in a class by itself). The county fair was usually going on, and there was a huge parade. We would usually sit in front of the bank where my mother still works. 

It's been different since my husband and I have been married. This is our sixth Independence Day as a married couple. Trevor has had a better track record getting Christmas and Thanksgiving off than he has this holiday. I've usually spent the day home alone. 

This year is different, though. I have Hudson, and Trevor ended up having to call out sick for an ear infection. It will still be a low key day due to sickness and life with a newborn, but it's still pretty awesome to be together as a family for Huddon's first holiday! 

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Friday Five: Freedoms

In the spirit of the holiday tomorrow, I'm sharing five of the freedoms I'm especially thankful for this year. 

1) Freedom of Religion 
I love that I can practice my faith however I choose - and that others can choose to do the same, even if that includes practicing no faith at all. 

2) Freedom of Speech
I can post whatever I want on my blog or
social media. I can say what I want in public without fear. Artists can create works using any subject matter. This is a glorious thing!

3) Freedom to Vote
I get to cast a vote for leaders or ballot measures. I've been able to vote in three presidential elections so far. I've been a political junkie since I was 10, so this is a huge deal for me. 

4) The Free Market
The government is relatively hands off when it comes to our market place. We can shop at a variety of stores and choose from a variety of brands. This isn't the case in many other countries. 

5) The Freedom of Equality 
This is twofold. First, I'm happy that I can drive, work, and own property as a woman in this country. In most cases, I know I'll be afforded the same rights as a man. Second, I'm pretty psyched that my  gay friends and family can finally be married anywhere in the nation! I know a couple that's been committed for 12 years, but they couldn't be married in their home state until now. That's definitely something worth celebrating! 


Other July Challenges

In addition to the blogging challenge I created for myself, I have also joined two other challenges through Facebook.

1) My friend April Meza challenged hersf to read Scripture daily in July. She asked friends to join her, and she posts a daily question asking what we are reading each day. I'm reading two chapters a day right now. By mid-July, I should have completed a reading plan I began last November! I'm reading via an iPhone app while Hudson nurses, so this is very easy to keep up with!

2) The Minimalist Game

Discovered via my friends Marc and Tiffany Gough, this game is all about decluttering. For each day in July, I'll be finding items to remove from our home. The twist is that the number of items must match the number on the calendar. So, today I'll remove two items, and on Jy 31, I'll remove 31 items! I am looking forward to removing a few hundred things from my house in the coming month. Since I'm about to start reading the Konmari book, this is a perfect challenge for me!

What's your challenge for July? 

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

A daily challenge for July

I'm sure I'm setting myself up for failure, but I'm challenging myself to publish something on my blog each day in July. I love writing. It is my first passion, and I so miss having it as a daily practice. I'm hoping to turn that around by writing daily and finding my written voice once again. 

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Hudson's Birth Story

I went to bed in a pretty foul mood on the night of April 21. It was the night before my due date, and it was official: this baby wasn't coming early like the midwives had said he would.

I slept until noon on the morning of April 22. I think I felt that if I didn't wake up, I didn't have ot face the fact that my baby wasn't going to arrive on his due date. Trevor slipped out to run errands, and I stayed in bed a little longer. When I woke up, I felt damp. It wasn't the gush that everyone had said I would feel if my water had broken, but I was cautiously optimistic that maybe progress had been made. I waited a little while, and then decided to hop in the shower. I felt a trickle before I got in, so I was more optimistic that it was time to call my practice and get the OK to go to the hospital. I called Trevor to let him know that it might be time, so he finished up his errands as quickly as he could.

Trevor came home. We ate lunch. I dried my hair and finished packing my bags. Trevor potted his new basil plant while I called the practice. The triage nurse said to head to the hospital. Trevor scooped the litter box and filled the cats' dishes. We were sort of missing the excitement and nervousness that I expected us to have. We both thought this would be a dry run for when the midwives ordered an induction after our appointment on the following day.

At the hospital, the triage nurse tested me to see if I was leaking fluid. Her test said no, but she still brought my midwife in. Emily checked me and found that I was dialated to 5 centimeters, and she felt that I probably did have a small tear in the sac. She and the nurse also informed me that even though I wasn't feeling them, the monitors showed I was definitely having contractions. They suspected my belly was already so tight that I was numb. Emily had us admitted around 5 p.m. We were sent to walk the halls until a room opened up for us in labor and delivery. We called our parents. We texted siblings and a few close friends. I posted some crap on Facebook to throw the rest of the world off the trail. I wanted my admission to the hospital to remain a secret until Hudson arrived. Trevor was hoping we could put on the Minnesota Wild playoff game at 9:30 if I wasn't in active labor at that point.

We got our room just after 6 p.m. Emily came to break my water just after 7 p.m. My contractions were definitely stronger after that. I managed pretty well until 8. After 8, they hurt, but I thought I could still bear it. At 9, Emily checked me again and suggested I get an epidural if that's what I wanted. I said I thought that would be a good idea. The nurses hooked me up to an IV of saline solution and said I needed two full units before I got the epidural placed. At this point, I was in so much pain that I couldn't even stand listening to people talk when I had a contraction. I remember repeatedly thinking, "Oh, shut up!" throughout the last hour while we waited for me to take in the fluids. The anesthesiologist came at 10 p.m. By that point, I was really hurting, to the point that I could barely move. I was so happy to see him that I almost forgot the pain for a minute (obviously, we had forgotten about the Wild game by now).

That's when things slowed down. They let me go until 11, but I hadn't dialated all the way yet. It was pretty clear at this time that Hudson wasn't arriving on his due date, but rather the day after, which also happens to be his Aunt Jenny's birthday. By 1, I had dialated to 10, but the contractions weren't strong enough to do anything. At 2:30, the nurses had me start pushing. I pushed for two hours before Emily went to check with the OB on call about possibly using a vacuum for delivery. The doctor declined, saying that if the head got through, the shoulders may not. She said I would need to push for another hour, and then we would discuss our options. I think Trevor heard that and knew it would be a C-section, but I think I was too optimistic to believe that I was having a C-section.

Somehow, exactly an hour later, I did it. I pushed, and I heard, "Come on! That's it! He's almost here!" I pushed again, and then...I saw him! I thought to myself, "Holy crap, there's a baby!" An instant later, he was out of Emily's hands and on my chest, hot and wet and angry. I'm pretty sure this was when Trevor cut the cord, but I honestly didn't pay attention. For a minute, the entire world was just me and Hudson.

Hudson was only there for a few minutes before the baby nurse whisked him away to be checked out and cleaned up. While they were taking care of him, Emily and the nurses were taking care of me. I didn't lose much blood, but I was about to pass out from going nearly 18 hours without eating. I was brought juice and a banana while Emily did the stitches. I had a second degree tear, but Emily assured me that it would be just fine in a few weeks. She observed that my placenta had calcium deposits as though I had gone at least a week past my due date, so it was sent out for pathology just to be safe.

After a little while, the nurses unbuttoned my gown and laid Hudson on my chest. We snuggled, and Trevor snapped pictures of us. We attempted breastfeeding, which was a struggle for several days following the birth. Pretty soon, our golden hour alone was over, and the day shift nurse was there to get me ready to move to the recovery room. It was pretty horrifying. I knew it wouldn't be pleasant, but I was unprepared for just how unpleasant. We will leave it at that. :)

Once I was cleaned up, we formed a little parade. My nurse and me in the wheelchair, the baby nurse with Hudson in his bassinet, and Trevor with our bags rounded out our little procession to the recovery unit. We got our room, and immediately met our nurse for the day, Barbie. She had a million instructions for us, as well as pain reliever for me. I was told to nap, but I honestly couldn't. I had too much adrenaline in my system! We also had frequent visits from the hospital staff. Hudson had been "large for gestational age," so that meant he needed his blood sugar tested every 3 hours until he was 12 hours old. I also had my vitals checked every four hours, and various people stopped in to see how we were doing. The anesthesiologist, a Stephen minister, the midwife on call, and a few others I've already forgotten all stopped by throughout that first morning and afternoon.

We also had a friend stop by around noon that day. She was visiting a surgeon about her own operation, and since another mutual friend was on bed rest in labor and delivery, she came to see us both that morning. It was so nice to see a familiar face that wasn't there to poke, prod, or ask a million questions about our experience!

The pediatrician gave Hudson his first exam around 8 p.m. that night. Trevor and I watched our required videos after that, and we talked to our families on the phone. We had a horrible, sleepless night in the hospital. Hudson screamed and screamed, hating life in the outside world. I spent a lot of time holding him and catching up on all the well wishes we had received via Facebook and text message that day. It was while browsing Facebook that I learned that McDreamy had been killed off on Grey's Anatomy. I briefly considered posting something about how Hudson had arrived in time to be the new McDreamy, but I figured that might hurt some feelings since Dr. Derek Shepherd had been essential to the program that was in its 10th season.

We barely got settled down when the nurses came to take him for his "24 hour test" at 5:30 a.m. that morning. He was gone for about two hours, so Trevor and I got a good nap then. Shortly after he was returned, the midwife on call stopped in to let us know we could go home that day. We jumped at the chance. Trevor and I both agreed that if we would have another sleepless night, we wanted it to be at home!

Around noon, the nurses came back for his circumcision. I got another nap then as well. When he came back, I showered and got ready to go home. Once the car was loaded, it was about 6:30 p.m. We pulled into a space in the hospital parking lot, and we ordered two pizzas for pick up at Papa John's. We got home at 7:30, and I remember feeling a huge sense of relief. We had done it. Since Hudson was sleeping, I quickly checked to make sure both cats were fine, then hurried to eat two slices of pizza before Hudson would need to feed. Trevor did the same as I fed Hudson. Then, Trevor helped me upstairs and got Hudson and me settled in our bedroom before running to Target for a couple things we would need to get through the night. Hudson and I cuddled up on the bed and watched the Bruce Jenner interview - the one where he admitted he was in the process of becoming a woman.

When Trevor came home, we settled into bed, and began our first night at home as a family.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

He's Here!


Hudson arrived at 5:31 a.m. on Thursday, April 23, 2015. He weighed 8 pounds and 7 ounces. He was 21.5 inches long. He had a ton of strawberry blonde hair and dark blue eyes at birth, along with a couple little scratches on his face and stork bites at the nape of his neck. He initially looked more like Trevor, but his features have become more mixed in the past 6 weeks. 

We are loving life together as a family of three!